Living Only For Myself: Make Those Who Hate Me Regret It

Chapter 411 - 410: Heartache for Him

Xu Su sat numbly on the sofa until midnight before slowly heading upstairs. As she passed the study, she saw light spilling from the crack of the slightly ajar door.

’He hasn’t gone back to the room to sleep...’

A wave of relief washed over Xu Su. She quickly returned to her room and locked the door from the inside.

After the argument they just had, she didn’t know how to face him...

No one had ever taught her how to face a man who had pointed a gun at her.

The next morning, she got up and went downstairs to see Zhou Mochen sitting on the sofa with his back to the staircase, on the phone.

Xu Su paused for a moment, then turned and walked toward the dining room. She had just sat down at the table when he walked in right after her.

Neither of them spoke to the other. This silence lasted until the meal was over. When Xu Su stood up, Zhou Mochen grabbed her wrist.

"Don’t drive Shen Chen’s car anymore. A few new cars were delivered to the garage this morning. You can drive one of them for now. If there’s another one you like, you can buy it yourself."

She’d always had his supplementary credit card, the one with no limit.

Xu Su said nothing.

Zhou Mochen added, "If you like sequential license plates, there are some in the garage too. Just pick one you like to drive. Don’t be angry about last night anymore."

’Don’t be angry about last night anymore...’

A pang of pain shot through Xu Su’s heart. Before she could react, Zhou Mochen pulled her into his arms. "I believe you when you say you don’t like him, and I believe you didn’t do anything you shouldn’t have. Last night, I was consumed by jealousy and lost my mind. Don’t take it to heart."

’Don’t take it to heart...’

Xu Su gave a bitter smile. ’How could I not take it to heart...?’

The feeling of her life being in someone else’s hands... How could she possibly be nonchalant enough to not take that to heart?

Could his casual claim of having "lost his mind" just erase the terror she felt when he pointed a gun at her?

Zhou Mochen lowered his head and kissed Xu Su, his lips forceful and urgent. The two maids standing in the corner of the dining room quietly slipped out.

Xu Su couldn’t help but start to push him away, but Zhou Mochen overpowered her with ease.

He wrapped an arm around Xu Su’s waist, lifted her onto the dining table, and stood before her, guiding her legs to wrap around his waist.

His hand slid directly under the hem of her clothes.

Xu Su was wearing loungewear, and the loose-fitting top was easily pulled aside by him...

"Let go of me! I don’t want this!"

Xu Su struggled frantically, but her strength was like an ant trying to shake a tree against the powerful man before her.

It was only at this moment that she truly understood how weak she was. If Zhou Mochen wanted something, she couldn’t stop him at all. She could only passively endure it.

Zhou Mochen pinned Xu Su’s hands behind her back, using his other hand to pull open her already loosened top.

His scorching kisses fell upon her struggling body...

’In the middle of the day... on the dining table... with so many servants just outside...’

Xu Su trembled all over, so wronged she wanted to cry.

"Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to do anything here,"

Zhou Mochen kissed her with the utmost tenderness, but his eyes held an opposing, pitch-black darkness. His low, husky, and disordered voice whispered in her ear:

"I love you, Xu Su. You have to know that no one loves you more than I do. Don’t be angry about last night. Don’t hold a grudge against me in your heart. Stay away from those other men. I told you, I can’t stand it."

She had loved another man. She had said she was truly in love with Xi Zirong.

Xi Zirong!

Zhou Mochen had gritted his teeth and accepted it.

But her body couldn’t have been touched by anyone else. Those most intimate acts... perhaps Shen Chen had done them with her too. How could he possibly accept that?

The mere thought was enough to drive him insane.

The viciousness in his expression was hard to conceal; he almost looked like he wanted to bite her to death.

’My beloved girl, tell me, should I believe you?’

...

After a long time, Zhou Mochen straightened Xu Su’s clothes and held her very, very gently. "Susu, do you love me?"

"Does it matter if I love you or not?" Xu Su’s face was wooden. "In your eyes, I’m just a promiscuous woman who could cheat on you at any moment."

Zhou Mochen’s body stiffened, his face growing pale and wretched. "That’s not it..."

Xu Su hung her head, blinking furiously to hold back tears.

"It’s not like that..." His eyes had unknowingly turned red, as if he might burst into tears at any second. "There’s no one in this world who loves you more than I do. I love you so much. I’d have to be crazy to think so little of you."

"I’m just so scared," Zhou Mochen’s arms tightened, his voice raspy. "I’m just so terrified..."

He couldn’t say any more. He quickly let go and walked out.

Xu Su wanted to call out to him, but her lips parted and no sound came out.

She sat numbly on the dining table, her heart aching and tight.

After the waves of sadness, grievance, and anger washed over her, the heartache she had been desperately suppressing surged up again.

For a moment, she couldn’t tell which she felt more for Zhou Mochen: pity or fear.

Last night, when the gun was pointed at her, she had felt wronged and terrified—a fear that was bone-deep, a primal fear for her very life.

But just now, seeing him like that, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of heartache for him...

After some time, her phone on the table began to vibrate incessantly with new messages, and Xu Su’s mood gradually calmed.

’Why is it like this?’

It was just as Zhou Mochen said: he was the person who loved her most in the world. But the moment there was the slightest hint of another man, his first instinct was to suspect her of cheating. He was incapable of believing any of her explanations.

Xu Su tried to see things from Zhou Mochen’s perspective...

For Zhou Mochen, he had once trusted her so much—so much that when she pointed to the hickey Xi Zirong left on her collarbone and claimed it was just a bruise, he had believed her without a second thought. But what had that unconditional trust gotten him?

Bone-deep hurt. The pain she had caused him was too much, too heavy.

It had made him subconsciously afraid.

He probably wanted to try and trust her again, but the deception and hurt had already cast a shadow in his heart. It was fine when things were sweet between them, but the moment something unexpected happened, that shadow would fall, and another crisis of trust would begin.

Xu Su knew the root of it all was that she had once been with Xi Zirong behind his back. That was why he couldn’t offer her even a sliver of trust anymore.

It bothered him to death. Even though he said they had moved on, it was still a fishbone stuck in his throat. He still couldn’t let it go, still saw it as her cheating on him.

That was her prior conviction, the one that had bankrupted her credibility. It was an unchangeable fact.

A love with no trust, sustained only by his twisted affection—how long could it last?

Could they ever have a happy ending in this lifetime?

But what could she do?

There was nothing she could do!

Unless there was a time machine that could take her back two years.

Xu Su smiled bitterly to herself. If she had known then what she knew now, she would have steered clear of Xi Zirong.

Why did she have to chase that fleeting feeling of a fluttering heart, only to make Zhou Mochen resentful for a lifetime? It wasn’t worth it.

It wasn’t worth it at all!

Xu Su wiped away her tears and started to walk out.

She knew regaining Zhou Mochen’s trust would be difficult, but did that mean it was impossible for her?

She could do it.

Even if it took a lifetime, she would do it.

Since she couldn’t stop her heart from aching for him no matter what—still aching for him even after he’d pointed a gun at her.

Since he, no matter how much pain he was in, couldn’t bring himself to lay a single finger on her.

Since they loved each other, she didn’t want to go against her own heart. She wanted to go and comfort him.